Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Timing is Ridiculous!
I'm packing-up/chucking my belongings at my parents house, getting ready to head out. There seems to be a stay of eviction because my mom wants to have my dad "committed" in a way. In layman's terms, he isn't thinking in the right frame of mind, and therefore should not be trusted to make important decisions. Whatever. I've been in enough sinking ships to know when it's time to jump off.
Because our government has so recklessly squandered our funds overseas, we may be facing a government shut down this Friday. That means they ran out of cash to RUN the country. Until some straight fiscal plans are made, we will be ordered to stay out of work with no pay.
Anyone want to slit their wrists yet? I know I do!
Packing up my Dungeon would be easy if I didn't suddenly get hit with an influx of orders out no where! In a way, I need the cash to stay afloat while my day job is shut down. On the other hand, I'm supposed to be looking for a new place to live, coming up with another grand in cash to afford said-place to live, and sorting out my shit in piles of "keep" and "toss". I tell you, that last job is wearing me down more than I care to admit. It's not easy throwing out pieces of your life.
Well, these orders are big. No piddly dozen or so cupcakes here and there. They're HUGE fondant cakes, multi-tiered, picture-worthy constructions that will push my cake decorating ability and my time management skills further than I have ventured before. These are the orders I always aimed at getting on a weekly basis, and now they're happening one after another. NOW! Of all times, now?
On top of all that madness, my portable hard drive died last week taking with it two years worth of pictures, my movie collection, and my business files. All gone. I thought I had managed to save a few of my logo files but when I tried to copy them into my new drives, the files were corrupted.
I guess this cyberworld is a lot smaller than I thought it was and my whining and bitching carries a lot further than I would have imagined.
Within one night, my ex sent me all my lost graphics, designed a new business card for me, fixed my website so that it redirects to my wordpress site, and enhanced some of the clumsy graphics I had thrown up there. Needless to say, I was so damn grateful I nearly cried. It also worried me. I mean, I don't keep contact with people who are no longer a part of my life, and I can't just pick up a phone and call someone for help when my carelessness has landed me in hot water. Safety nets are not always laid out, you know?
Just like Joel won't be around forever to pull me out of a jam, neither will the last ex. Eventually his life will start over somewhere new with someone new and all connections & memories we have with each other will be corrupted and lost just like the files on my faulty had drive. What then?
I may have the talent and ambition to run my own business, but there's still so much for me to learn. I realize I do have to lean on people who know better than I do about things they specialize in, such as marketing and branding, but I also have to know how to manage these things on a basic level so that I won't sink when they suddenly leave me high and dry.
The question is; do I put my business on hold so I can create some sort of REAL foundation for myself somewhere- a home of my own with a kitchen that NO ONE can snatch away from me? (Damn, it's happened so many times already! And people wonder why I have such abandonment issues!) Or do I just burn the candle on every end possible and run full steam ahead- business, new home, new kitchen, and hopefully I won't drop dead in the process?
I'm really worried. This year, I've picked up so many new repeat customers, my website is getting more than a hundred hits a day from all different sources, I'm being asked for cakes that are well beyond the scope of anything I had ever done in the past- and this is all GREAT! It's just so fucking hard doing this by myself. I know I need help, but what part do I ask for first? The legal business end? The manual labor? The technical aspect? The marketing? Who do I ask to come in and help me when so many people have fallen short and proven themselves untrustworthy in the past?
I wish I had a mentor I could turn to. The problem is that most people I know who run their own business started out with a lot of seed money to get them through the first year. With that, they hired lawyers, accountants, and employees. I don't have that kind of money and I don't have the credit available to start. So, it's the long way, which is fine. I don't mind putting in the sweat to get it started. I just won't have the advantage of a trust-fund business owner- playing with monopoly money. I don't think ANYONE'S money is monopoly money and I could give myself an ulcer worrying over money someone else lends me.
I do a lot of complaining about a lot of things, but I don't do nearly enough thanking. I am thankful for Joel who stepped in when I thought I was bottoming out. Although things are on hold with him until further notice for personal issues, he's been a good friend, a strong source of support, and the cool-headed counterpart I need when I start to get all antsy, anxious, cranky, and panicked. (Hey, it happens!) He came back at just the right time.
And I thank my last ex, TJ, for getting my tech files back and for making my business look pretty, funky, and better than anything I could have ever thought of in my own head. Without being asked, he swooped in and saved my ass and made things a lot easier for me. And I'm grateful for this thoughtfulness and generosity with his time and skills.
I'm not an easy person to get along with or to work with. I'm opinionated. I have a hard time settling on one decision when I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I often seek the advice of people who know better than I do, but I still have a hard time letting go of the control. Although these are character traits that hold me back in my business, they are character traits that hold me back in my personal life, too. Being burned so many times from all different directions tends to make a person guarded. I'm built like Fort Knox.
And despite all that, there are people who still want to help me and see me succeed. That shocks me.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I don't know what the smart thing to do is. I need a home of my own, but I need cash in order to get it, and I need to work in order to get the cash. I guess it's full steam ahead, and I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope I hit a jackpot one way or another.
Wish me luck!
Posted by Katherine at 10:35 AM