Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Every Sinner Has a Future...

I wish I could say that I enjoyed my time off and managed to reflect on my life, thereby sorting out all the knots and coming to an epiphany. I want to say my mom and I bonded and she is a stronger woman for it. I also want to write that I stepped up in stellar form as the first born and handled each crisis efficiently and effectively.

I can't really write any of that.

Let's face it. The root of the problem was the need of A LOT of money as soon as possible. I took out another monster loan to put out the immediate fire, and that was like putting a tee shirt over a bullet hole. It may staunch the bleeding, but the wound would still need to be cleaned out and stitched up right.

I ordered my mother to get a therapist immediately. I lectured her about what a selfish, egomaniac my father was, and that she's been mentally abused for YEARS. We all have. Where do my own trust issues and insane sense of pride come from? This fucker right here. I can't trust anyone to have my back therefore I must be the one to do everything for myself- no hand-outs or hand-ups. Had I accepted a couple of hand-ups throughout the years, I probably wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in now.

That's neither here nor there. It's water under the bridge and I have to keep this train wreck moving.

I gave her all this money. I have done all the cooking and grocery shopping the last month. My brother has pitched in with that, as well as picking up on the missing income needed to get bills paid. He's the most unselfish person in my entire family.

Even with all that, it wasn't enough.

I still needed to take orders. I took every order- big and small. I took things I never would have agreed to because of logistics or design or just good taste in general. I also ended up asking for help from people I didn't want to go to, but I needed their help in order to make this money, and I needed this money! No. My family needed the money. Frankly, I could do fine without the money, but this particular crisis wasn't my doing, was it?

Even so, I decided NOT to put the brakes on my own financial plan and I've been making all the same escalated payments I've been doing the last several months so I can keep on track with my debt reduction. Even with this new loan, the payments don't effect my monthly expenses much because the loan officer extended the loan I was supposed to finish paying off next month. So fucking close, but still so fucking far! The extra couple of hundred I would have had on hand to pay off other things will still go to this loan...for another 4 years, unless I pay it back earlier.

Besides that pain in the ass, I have another loan that I need to pay before July or I get charged the interest. It's nearly 3 grand, and I have a very strict payment plan to get it done, but this fucking crisis throws a monkey wrench into my plans. I decided to revamp the credit card budget and just concentrate on getting this off my plate on time. I don't fancy a thousand dollars worth of interest being dumped on top of the original debt to begin with. The idea of it makes my stomach lurch, but I've been doing great with my financial plan and I don't intend of slowing down for anyone.....even a fucked up family.

My hiatus ended up being a "slumming it" period. I've done some pretty shitty jobs, but damn. I feel like some hooker who just gave a bj for $20 because I needed to buy a metrocard home. Ashamed to say it, but I've also gone on a few horrible dates because it would lead to some paying gigs. ( IN CAKE; NOT THE BEDROOM!) I picked up nearly $500 in jobs due to those dates, and I got some nice fancy meals out of them. What did I sell to get that? Several hours of mundane conversation with men I had no intention of having a future with, a couple of unwelcome ass-grabs, and one asshole who tried to stick his tongue in my mouth when I turned to say goodnight at the subway. Was it worth the $500? Yeah, I'm sorry to say that it was.

Do I feel like I've sold my soul to get what I needed? Absolutely. I feel dirty, and no amount of scrubbing will make me feel clean. However, if it means the difference between begging someone I know for money and pimping myself out for money I can earn in my kitchen- I'd do it my way all over again.

Damn pride. 

Fuck you, dad. I hope you're happy with the monster you created.

When it came to money, Joel and I never fought. EVER. When I started to stress about bills or money problems, he would stop me mid-freak out and say the same thing- Money comes when you least expect it. He didn't mean you would stumble on a wallet full of cash and all the magic money monsters would go away. I say that because my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law used to say to one another, "I hope I walk outside and find a wallet full of money. Then, I'll be happy and my problems will be gone." No. That's like those crazy Evangelicals who think they will pray their problems away. If there is a God, I would imagine this being would want people to fucking get off their ass and solve their own problems for once. What Joel meant when he would assure me that money would come was that an opportunity would present itself and I had better take it. And for him, no matter how dire the situation was; the opportunities always came. We would be short on rent because his ex demanded some crazy money for a kid emergency, and after a day of my stomach tied up in knots worrying about it - we would book some great paying gig and the problem would be solved. He always had faith things would be fine, and it always worked out for that fucker financially. I envy his faith. I wish I could close my eyes and feel at peace that the money problem won't be a problem for long, but I can't do it.

With that being said, I've had opportunities to make money come my way left and right, and I was not foolish enough to turn it away. And, for once, it's working out. It's not easy. I'm working a lot harder for it and I feel like a beggar picking pennies out of a fountain, but the bills are getting paid and no one is hungry.

Maybe I'm doing something right.

I've had nights where I though my eyes would pop out of my head because the headaches were so intense. They came from worrying about everything happening right now to me and my household. They came from not having a friendly voice on the other end of my phone, assuring me that I'm doing the right thing and I'm not a bad person for doing it. They come from self-doubt, and constant anxiety that it will all become too much for me to handle. But, people keep saying that strength in adversity will only make me a stronger person. How much stronger do I need to be?

So, that's me for now. I don't know where this fucked up ride will end. I'm just trying not to fall off.

Ooh! I nearly forgot! I did have someone ride in on a white horse and offer to take me off into the sunset. Fuck them all, he told me. They're adults. Let them sort out their own mess! I could go with him. He would take care of me. I wouldn't have to work. New state. New life. No looking back. The problem with that? I'm not the type of girl to take that kind of offer....I'll admit that I did consider it. I know.....But as they say; every sinner has future and every saint has a past. I think I'm somewhere in between.

11 comments:

  1. I promise I'll behave myself & use proper punctuation so don't blow me off. I'm trying to smoke the peace pipe with you.

    So regarding this post you just wrote, was the knight on white horse not all it was cracked up to be?

    I don't necesarily view you accepting a date in order to land a gig a form of whoring. People these days call that networking. You must know a little something about that living in that cesspool of a city of yours. People have done far worse for a lot less because of lesser reasons. You didn't sleep with anyone to get a gig, did you?

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    1. I don't sleep with anyone unless I want to sleep with them. Period. That is never up for negotiation no matter what the situations is.

      I didn't get on your white horse when you came riding up, either, did I?

      As romantic as it seems to have someone offer to take care of me, I don't think the reality of something like that could work. It would always eat at my pride and I couldn't handle it. I'm not saying I don't appreciate the offers. I'm grateful to know I have that option, but I'm not built to cling onto someone in that manner. I'd like to have someone who has my back emotionally and mentally and sometimes physically, but I can't rely on someone financially.

      I don't want to come off as some martyr because it's not that I haven't often thought about how easy it would be if I had a partner who could support me financially, but knowing how I am about that, the bliss would be short-lived before I had to get up and make my own way.

      Anyway, I had that with Joel. He took care of me in every way imaginable, which made me feel secure, but in the end it didn't mask the giant elephant in the room. And he resented the fact that I wanted to make my own money. He thought I wasn't appreciative of everything he gave me. I'm not going to compromise the person I am to be financially secure. I don't know how other women do it. I guess they have to have a thick skin about that kind of thing.

      And I don't want to make it seem like I don't have friends who are willing to be there for me. I have many good people who only have the best intentions, but I don't have that many people where I can just break down and have an ugly cry over the phone with and get everything off my mind. Sometimes you don't really want a solution, just someone who doesn't see your cracks as a weakness.

      I'm tired of people I trusted throwing those cracks I shared with them back in my face and calling me broken. After a while, I start thinking that myself and it makes it harder to man-up and handle shit.

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    2. I thought I was one of those people you could have an ugly cry with. :-( Given out tension, I understand why I fell off that list.

      Not to split hairs or anything but you often refer to yourself as broken. If you stopped doing that maybe other people would get the message that you want them to stop doing it, too. Just sayin'

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    3. You guess so about what? Me falling off the list or the broken thing?

      That's it? No snappy retort or witty comeback at me? Are you ok?

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    4. I don't know, man. Both? I don't have any fight left in me. Think what you want. Everyone else does.

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  2. Considering the facts at hand, you're doing great. You came in and fixed the immediate problem. You haven't deviated from your own financial plan. You've given your mom the perfect advice, probably the same advice people gave you. Whether she takes your advice or not is out of your hands and you can't blame yourself for that. You of all people should understand her state of mind. I read a lot about you freaking yourself out in your own head but the reality is that you're handling the circumstances the best possible way and it's working out fine. You don't need a friendly voice on your phone telling you that. You can buy an iPhone with siri if you really needed reassurance. You have to stop doubting yourself. You're strong when it matters. It doesn't matter who called you broken whether it was your dad or your friends or your family or your ex. Who cares? They don't see you or maybe they can't see. Doesn't matter. THEY don't matter. They're not gonna help you now.

    My two cents here: Man up. (You have.) Keep doing what you're doing. (You will.) It's going to be just fine. (Trust that it is.)

    I'm happy to see you writing again. Get it all out. You'll feel better once all this surplus is out of your head. And just stop beating yourself up, you've had enough of that. Aren't you tired of people beating up on you? Why would you keep doing it to yourself?

    The past is behind you. Keep it there. Tomorrow's a new day, and you only have good people in your life now who'll push the positive. Stop looking backwards, or you'll crash into what's in front of you instead of being ready for it.

    And regarding the past tapping you on the shoulder, here's what I believe about that. People walk in and out of our lives all the time and everyone's there or isn't there for a reason. If someone's meant to be in your life for the right reasons, then they'll be there. Just trust that everything will work out just fine.

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  3. That's a whole load of cliches and metaphors packed into one little comment.

    Thanks for the nice words. You're right. I'm doing the best I can, and so far it's going okay. I've buried the past. I'm only looking forward now.

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    1. I agree. You'll be ok. Off topic- you sure that other blog you're doing with your former stalker is such a good idea? I know you said you were doing it to help him out but consider your history together. If that's not what Josh meant by writing again, then that's my bad but I wasn't sure where I could address this question without coming off obnoxious. As you can see I'm making a real effort not to be a dick.

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    2. I'm not taking it as a snark. I don't know. I wanted to encourage him to pursue his interests, like writing about music, but his self-esteem is so off he doesn't think anyone would pay attention. And I tried to explain that he shouldn't be writing for an audience, but for himself. I don't think he really grasps that concept. He said he would consider it if I agreed to do it with him. (The writing.) He seems excited enough about it, and I'm hoping it becomes a routine for him in order to bulk up his resume and maybe open a couple of doors for him as a freelance writer for a music site or something. I have the same concerns I always do when it comes to him, but he's happily in a relationship that he's been in for a year, and there are definite boundaries to our interaction so I'm approaching it with trepidation and caution. I'm also trying to take a back seat rather than a passenger side position. Maybe it will take him to a more satisfying career. It's a pet peeve of mine to watch people not do what they truly enjoy doing. We're living in an age where we have the means and know-how to do what we love, and I don't understand the people who would rather be a cube drone instead of getting up everyday making money doing what they always wanted to do. Would I go back to retail if I really had to? Sure, but it would take a whole lotta alcohol to keep me from blowing my brains out if that was going to be my daily grind for the rest of my life.

      I've found, reading my old posts on this particular blog, that maybe decorating cakes won't be my life forever, but I know that doing something creative and food-related where I can teach other people do find their own talents in those fields is something I can almost guarantee I'll be happy doing. Sitting in this fucking cube for another 5 years is NOT something I will be happy doing.

      In the end, I take care of my priorities, even if it means my goals have to take a bit of a back seat. But, I don't throw out my dreams because of it. It's hard for me to relate to people who do that. I don't get it. I don't want to kick my friend while he's down, but I'm pushy enough to harp on the fact that working retail shouldn't be "good enough", especially when he has the potential to do more.

      So to answer your question- yes this could blow up in my face yet AGAIN. Yes, I'm cautious and unsure whether or not this was such a great idea. But, I care enough about my friend to do what I can to try and help. If it pays off, then everyone's a winner, right? I get a feel-good warm and fuzzy, and maybe he'll get a better paying gig doing something he enjoys.

      Keep your fingers crossed! All in all, he's a good person. I know that's all a matter of perspective, so maybe I should say he's a better person than I am. He's able to forgive and put issues at rest and appreciate people for the best that they are, despite the hurt that they've caused. I try and take a page out of his book when it comes to looking at the past. I'm just not that good at it.

      In the end, I wish him the best and I hope he has good things coming his way.

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    3. Well how very PC of you, my dear. ;-)

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