Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Naked Sushi


I'm sure by now, you've heard of this tacky trend that started a few years back of sushi being served off the naked flesh of beautiful women. It worked its way from entertaining chauvinistic Japanese business men, to entertaining low-brow chauvinistic strip club patrons in the city.

I'll do my best to keep the snark out of my tone. It's not my thing. I find it a lacking function since the heat of the woman's skin will eventually seep into the flesh of the sushi, taking it off-temperature. It's a minor flaw in the design since most people are not all that excited about the sushi as they are about eating off the nekkid skin of a gorgeous woman. Maybe there's nipple or a Brazillian Bento Box that will be exposed if you pick up the right piece of Sashimi. Frankly, just from a sanitary viewpoint, I would put a modest piece of banana leaf between naked skin and fish. If anything, who really wants to eat anyone's top layer of dead epidermis?

Needless to say, I'm not a fan, but I can understand why some people would find this completely sexy.  Personally, I'm not into bringing my meal into my bed, but like we've already established- different strokes for different folks.

Well, a certain douchebag that I used to share sexy time with just got married this past weekend. I may have mentioned him once or twice. He had actually wanted me to come upstate and make his wedding cake- free of charge, all while throwing it in my face over and over that his wife would be down with a threesome with me as long as I never mentioned that he and I had already conquered that mountain ages ago. Oh, and he and I could sneak off together for our own solo pleasure if I could keep it from his future life-partner. The drugs have probably done their damage to his cranial area, but his balls were firmly intact. He couldn't understand why I was so appalled by his suggestion. Of course, I turned him down for the sex, and the cake.

He had his wedding this past weekend, and I assumed was off on his honeymoon. You can imagine my surprise when AOL told me I had mail, and it was from him. It was a short note, and pretty straight forward.

"Hey lovely lady! I got married why weren't you there? Troy isn't that far from the city. Woulda been cool if we couldve had one of your creations but you can always make our babys first cake. So anyways we're putting off the travel honeymoon till next year and opting for a staycation. I want to do this awesome sexy thing for my wife that I saw online- NAKED SUSHI. You are the only chef I'd want to do it. So how does it work- you get naked and lay sushi out on yourself or my wife gets naked and you lay sushi out on her.....I'll leave it up to you. I think I'd prefer it being on you because you are one sexy bitch and i'd eat you or off you any day. hehehe......I know you're into it so i know i'm not being forward....can we end with a happy ending 3 way??? My wife is into you. I showed her your pictures. She thinks your exotic! It can be your wedding gift to us!!! So lets get together and work out details like the date and time and cost of sushi and whatnot........I miss the hell outta you Kit Kat. Please say yes!!!"

So. Yeah.

I don't think I need to really confirm what my reply was. I handled it much like I handle all the unwanted immaturity that pops up from the past- I ignored it. I know I've made some questionable choices, but I don't think I really let the Whore out of the Bag, so to speak. And this dude has obviously not seen me in person in a WHILE to think that I am in any shape to have any type of food item eaten off my body.

No, thank you, sir.

So, what's the deal, gentlemen? What's with the naked sushi? Tacky. Unsanitary. But, still trending. What's up with that shit???

13 comments:

  1. You shouldn't ignore this. You need to address it. For some reason this man thinks your bedroom has a revolving door and he's free to bring a plus 1. He didn't get the message the first time you said no and here he is again with a more brazen request, which sounds like he's confident that you're gonna agree.

    Don't ignore; put him out and lock the door.

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    1. A +1? That was pretty funny, dude. I don't really want to reopen the lines of communication. He's been relegated to the Whatever Pile, and to respond is kind of like going through your hamper to find a shirt you only wore once and "might" still have another wear in it. Not really an option for me.

      I know what you're saying, and normally I'd agree wholeheartedly with you. I just don't think putting in the effort will make any difference to someone like this, so I'd rather just ignore him until he goes away.

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    2. if it was so easy to get rid of him, the first time you ignored him would've made him 'go away'. hows' that plan working out for you?

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    3. Damn, you're snarky today. I don't hate the man. I just don't have anything in common with him anymore to keep him around, and he's been too forward and tacky with his brevity. I just think it's funny that he thinks it's ok to contact me for some stupid request just because it has to do with food. It's as if I asked you to re-image my laptop, and threw in a request for a pedicure as a last minute afterthought. He's going to go away. Everyone eventually goes away when you stop paying any attention to their antics.

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  2. You get not sympathy from me. If you told this fucker off like I told you to before he wouldn't have the balls to ask you for shit like this. Not trying to blame the victem or anything but obviously you weren't forceful enough in putting your foot down. You should've let me driev over and tell him to his face exactly what I thought when he still lived over by me.

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    1. I'm not a victim. Dumb violence never solved anything, and really? How pathetic is it to send a friend to go beat up a douchebag?

      I put my foot down when I stopped sleeping with him. I don't really need to put any more effort into someone like him. He's another chick's problem now.

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    2. i don't even get why you wasted any time with this bum. was the sex even worth it? and what's one more fuck off gonna hurt? you should send it to him and his wife. that'll make the fucker understand.

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    3. He was okay. Nothing I'd write poetry over. More like a bag of chips that you munch on while you're waiting for the steak to finish grilling. Just enough to quell the appetite without ruining it.

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  3. To answer your questions at the end, naked sushi is a big NO for me. I'm with you on the temperature thing and the whole raw fish touching raw skin....gross.

    Naked Cheetos on the other hand....well, that's another story! What do you want from me, I'm a fat ass. ;)

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    1. lmao....thumbs up on that one, buddy!

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    2. Nice, Josh! You're not a fat ass. Don't say that. You're fluffy! Chicks dig fluffy!

      Mike, is that a yes or no for naked sushi?

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  4. Replies
    1. LOL....I think the man has been puffing his pipe too much. He must have killed the common sense cells in his head. I love how he comes at me with a food-related request and then steers it into the land of crazy within the blink of an eye.

      I almost replied that although it's flattering that he thinks his wife is into me, but the feeling isn't mutual. Sorry!

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