Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ball and Chain

I think age 31 has so far been the absolute worse year of my entire life. Besides just personal failures, I feel like I've lost a lot of my identity in my business, as well. I have all these fantastic ideas that I want to get off the ground, but I know I fall short in execution. Rather than do something half-assed, I'd rather not do it at all. Then, again, I also believe that in-action is even more pathetic than failure.

So, I'm at this fork, wondering which road to take. In a way, birthing a business is much like marrying someone or popping out a kid. It's a strong commitment that will anchor you to one place for a very long time.

The problem is that I don't want to be anchored. Being perfectly honest with myself, maybe the idea of having a family and marriage was more of a theoretical wish rather than a realistic one. I'm a runner. When I'm stressed. When I'm worried. When I'm scared. When I'm uncomfortable. When I'm unsure---I run.

I'm not saying it's a gift. It's a very cowardly trait to have. The problem is that I can't run away from a husband or my kids. I also can't run away from a functional business.

I have doubts now. I don't know if it's because I'm stuck here spinning my wheels or if it's because I really don't have confidence that I'll be successful. I just have a lot more thinking to do.


  1. maybe you're just sinking into a little funk
    the holidays, your birthday-all that will bring you down
    take a breather and think long & hard about it
    we all have those days

  2. Hi, RT

    I guess you found me, too. Maybe I'm just in a slump. I'm not really sure. This has, by far, been the absolute worst year of my entire life, and I'll be very happy once it's over.

  3. Those you think are gone still love you.

  4. what exactly is it that's got you this way?
    the breakup?
    your family?
    your situation?
    if you need a fresh start and some help, come to boston, I can hook you up with a job and an affordable place to live.
    I'm not saying it will fix your problem, but if that's what's got you feeling like this, I can help.
    sometimes a fresh start can kick start you into a happier place, but that doesn't mean all the problems go away
    did something happen recently?
    talk to me

  5. Anonymous- It's a nice sentiment, but those people are gone because they didn't love me.

    RT- Thank you for the offer. I'll think about it. Honestly, though, running to Boston is just me running away again. I want to see if there is a way I can resolve this on my own. I really appreciate the offer. You have no idea HOW MUCH I do appreciate it. Everyday I'm surrounded by many people (some of them actually care about me), but I still feel utterly alone. I don't think Boston is going to make that feeling go away.

  6. you didn't answer the question, my dear
    what happened?

    you went from being super stoked to suicidal
    you're among friends here :P

  7. and anonymous is right
    just cuz someones gone doesn't make them stop loving you
    love is beyond life and death

  8. I don't think that's what Anonymous meant, but thank you anyway.

    Nothing happened. I'm just in a bad funk. I'm trying my best to shake it off. Believe me, I am!