Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Shake Shack Shuffle

I've done well on my detox so far this week. No alcohol. No soda. No meat. Limited seafood. I've just been chugging tons of tea, cereal, and juices. So far, so good. So, why OH why did I have to step into Shake Shack today?

People's public whispers piqued my curiosity since last summer. Because it was 2:30 in the afternoon, I was in midtown picking up theater tickets, and I knew I wouldn't have this opportunity again for a good long while, I went it.

Oh, it smelled so good! Fresh, juicy hamburgers grilling and permeating the air. The menu is simple. Burger. Burger with cheese. Burger with special sauce. Mushroom burger (vegetarian). Burger and a Mushroom burger stacked on top of each other with cheese. Fries; with or without cheese. A changing menu of custards and a long menu of fresh shakes made with said custards. Very simple.

I was happy to spot the mushroom burger because that means I wouldn't be breaking my detox. I got one of those, cheese fries and a Carmelo Anthony Shake0 vanilla custard with caramel and toffee pieces. It was all VERY rich, very heavy, and very fattening. I could feel the pounds mounting my hips and tummy as I swallowed each bite.

'Shroom Burger: 570 calories 36 grams of Fat
Carmelo Anthony Shake: 750 calories 38 grams of Fat
Cheese Fries: 700 calories 47 grams of Fat

I could taste the fat on this food that I ate. I didn't end up eating all the cheese fries. Maybe just half and I finished more than half the shake. It was just all too rich. Too sweet. Too heavy. Too unhealthy. I looked around at the people who had the nerve to have two or three burgers in front of them and I wondered if their tongues were heavy with the melted fat that was coating mine. No wonder our society is so obsessed with looks and weight. It's so easy to indulge and find things that are pleasing to our senses, but those things often have consequences on our bodies that society also finds reprehensible.

I feel disgusting for having eaten most of that meal. It tasted wonderful, but with each bite I took, I knew I was digging a bigger dietary hole that was going to be harder and harder to climb out of.

Damn you, Shake Shack, for hiding horrible calories and unhealthy fat inside your delicious food. Damn you for having fast, friendly counter help and maintaining a clean fast food restaurant that was pleasant to sit and eat in. Damn you for the cute little buzzer you hand out while I wait for my food to be cooked, therefore creating a more organized way of handing the crowds that come in there. Damn you for knowing that America is a fat, indulgent nation and the weak-willed will be coming in for your 700 calories shakes because it's just that kind of day for them. Damn you for adding to this nation's weight problem. And damn our people for walking in there with smiles on their faces, money out, ready to take it all in. And damn me for falling for it, too!


  1. That is terrible. How could you walk into a place called Shake Shack and NOT have a shake?! Lol. Yeah it sounds pretty fattening. I can feel myself gaining weight just reading about it.

  2. Dude, I didn't even finish everything and it felt like I just ate a heart attack!