Monday, December 27, 2010

Bah Humbug!

Just a few more days till this miserable year is over! Who's ready for a fresh start? I am! I am!

Ok, so my year wasn't as horrible as the year some other people have had. I'll be realistic and look at it from that perspective. It sucked, no doubt about that, in certain areas. However, I have made more of a profit with my business than I had during the prior two years before that. I could go down a list of reasons why, but the bottom line is that I enjoyed that time outside my Dungeon thoroughly. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

When it came down to Business or Pleasure this year, I realized that with the absence of a "pleasure" source, I had no choice but to concentrate on my business. As a person trying to take it seriously, that's a sad state of mind to have when you say you want to grow your business. It can't be the logical choice by default, it needs to be the first choice always.

Knowing that my weaknesses are laziness, lack of concentration, and overall procrastination I guess common sense would dictate that I need to fight those demons when they are upon me as soon as they make their presence known. I haven't partied as much this year as I had in the past. Depression and lack of desire can take the trophy for that one. I had money in my pocket. Being single again, I realized what a HUGE hole I managed to tear at the bottom of my purses during my relationship. That's just another weakness of mine; unrealistic independence in situations where I don't have the money to spend but too proud to say anything about it; and an overly generous nature which drives me to do more than I actually can for other people. So, I guess breaking up tightened up the purse strings in more ways than one. Add the fact that I had more time to devote to cakes and pastries; that explains me not going broke this Christmas. Thank God. Last year nearly did me in!

Last year. Man, I can't believe how time flies. Things change so much in such a short amount of time. Sometimes I feel like I blink and the whole world has just turned upside down right in front of me. But, everyone keeps saying it all happens for a reason. Anyone care to clue me in on what that reason is supposed to be?

During the holiday party at my day job, I was  given an award for excellent work and a  $150 bonus. Words can't fully express my shock when I got it. First of all, there were those pesky rumors about my termination flying around. Then, there's the fact that I know I didn't do anything to deserve this award. Nothing. In fact, less than nothing. So, I did the only logical thing I could do. I took my one employee Cyrus out for our annual "Happy Hour Holiday Dinner". We went big this year and the bill came out to $75, which is not bad for Manhattan. I took the $75 I had left from that "award" and bought him an gift card. My card to him simply read; "You deserve this. Merry Chirstmas." He cried when he read it. Such a nice kid. =)

Yes, that money could have bought more boxes or more supplies or even gone into savings for a little car I can use for deliveries. To be quite frank, getting that award made my stomach hurt. The guilt of knowing I didn't earn it, and the fact that I know my employee worked a hell of a lot harder than I had all year behooved me to do the right thing. I hope what I ended up doing was the right thing. I guess my Karma will let me know sooner or later.

My future is still pretty bleak. I don't have a plan. I don't have a direction. I just know I need to go up. Christmas night, I got a surprise visit from my friend. We ended up watching a Christmas Carol at his man cave and passing out. (Too much eggnog.) He offered me his apartment again. It's a great price, it's fully furnished, and it's close to transportation. The only drawback would be the lack of a stove & oven. This means I would have to pay my parents some money to keep my Dungeon intact in their basement, and I would have to actually trek back there whenever I have cake orders.

Financially, I can't afford to move out yet, but I don't really have a choice in the matter anymore. This apartment would be cheap enough for me to afford my own place, but small enough to keep my ass in line as far as behaving myself. The fact that my friend's dad would be my landlord and that he would be living right on top of me makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Part of me wonders if this isn't a blessing in disguise, though. Isn't that how those things work?

Personally, I'm still getting over the fact that my friend will be gone for good in 7 days. I'll miss him more than I can adequately describe in words. He helped me heal when I was so frigging broken. For that, I'll always be grateful. He also helped me realize that the course my business takes is entirely up to me. Living at home in this situation only facilitates my sense of despair and inadequacy. A little separation from my folks will do me a WORLD of good.

He's going to ask and work out the details as far as me taking over his place goes. If it's a figure I can work out, then it looks like I'm getting my own place again!! No roomie! No boyfriend! No husband! No parents! No friends! Just me. Yippee!!!!

I will be even MORE broke than ever, but I know I need to do this. And like I keep telling everyone else around me~ Everything is gonna be alright. I'll be fine. It's all gonna work out. You'll see.


  1. I can't believe you gave up your award money! That's so nice of you! Even though I'm sure you're being too hard on yourself and you DID deserve it.

    I agree with the purse tightening after you break up (or a wallet in my case because I'm a manly man goshdarnit). I couldn't believe how much money I was just throwing away at my significant other! I guess it's easier to say, "You don't need this" to yourself than someone you love.

    Goodluck with your possible new apartment!

  2. That award money felt like stolen goods hiding inside my coat. I REALLY didn't deserve it and Cyrus has busted his ass all year long. He earned it and I didn't. Keeping it would have been wrong on so many levels.

    When I'm with someone and I'm going nuts buying everything and paying for EVERYTHING I don't really view it as throwing money away because I really am happy doing whatever it is I'm doing. But, I also do it with the knowledge that "Hey, he would do this for me!" But the reality is that once someone gets used to you always pulling out your own wallet, it makes them very comfortable NOT pulling out theirs (EVER), and I don't blame anyone but myself for that. My friends do it to me all the time; leave me holding the bag. So, it really is just up to me to be more assertive when it comes to paying for things, or rather making sure people pay for themselves. It's true; the stuff I DIDN'T buy for myself because I wanted to buy something for my boyfriend still astounds me. I didn't think I was missing out on anything till I had money to buy things for ME again! But, there is no rationale when it comes to love. I'll probably be just as retarded the next go-around.

    The apartment is still up in the air, and I'm still wondering if this is a smart move to make or not. The pros and cons are pretty much neck and neck. I just hope I make the right decision when the time comes.

  3. I know a bunch of people who would be willing to take the apt. The reason I'm asking you is because I trust you, you'll be a good tenant and I know you'll be good to my father and keep an eye on him for me. Steve is across the street and will be there in case of anything. I'm not putting you somewhere you won't be safe. You won't be 'alone' per se. It's a win/win situation.

    Cheer up. Only good things are waiting for you this coming year. Just don't slide backwards.

  4. I agree, you should especially NOT worry about some guy who apparently just took advantage of your generosity without bothering to give back... stupid male.

  5. Stupid male? No one took advantage. Where exactly are you getting that from? I said I did more than I feasibly could do for stupid reasons(like pride) and the fault lies with me; not my exes or my friends. No one ever twists my arm to do anything. My decisions; my consequences.

    The point I was trying to make was that I prioritized everyone & everything else BEFORE my business, and that wasn't clear until I didn't have anything BUT my business to concentrate on this year. I wasn't just talking about money, I was talking about time, too. But, I also pointed out that I don't regret the things I did outside my kitchen because I had a great time. Was that not clear?

    Don't bash my last ex or the one before that. I'm not really sure who you're talking about, but those were good men. My ex-husband, on the other hand, is a whole other story...I'm STILL paying off debt from that asshole. Lesson learned...sorta.

  6. I just read how you wrote it, it looks as if youre saying its youre own fault for letting him take advantage, but its up to how good of a person he is too. If he thought about himself AFTER buying for you, sounds like youd even each other out. I dont know your ex (or exes) it was just an observation.

  7. Besides my ex-husband and maybe one other ex, I'm on civil terms with all my exes. I don't have a reason to talk about them that way. Sorry if that's how you read what I wrote. That's not how it was intended.