Tuesday, June 21, 2011

All Better

The guilt I was feeling over that fucking cake was sick. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I had orders I had to push out Sunday night and my hands shook. They actually SHOOK. That hasn't happened to me since my breakup with Joel.

My reluctance to step back in my Dungeon wasn't exaggerated. That mother-fucking cake traumatized me. I'd never had anything like that happen to me before. As I mentioned yesterday on someone's comment, my friend left me a voicemail on Sunday night, wanting to "talk" about what happened. What more can we talk about? I apologized till I was blue in the face...till I ran out of words...till my eyes were ready to swim out of my head. What more could I say that I hadn't already said to him?

I got to work yesterday and my friend Jess immediately planned a lunch date with me. During lunch, she asked how my weekend was and this disastrous cake story came vomiting out again. I started crying fresh again, as I finished up with saying that I don't think I'm cut out for this business and I wanted to cancel all my booked orders this summer.

At this point, Jessica yelled out "NO! YOU HAVE TO MAKE MY CAKE NEXT WEEK!"

Oh, so that was the point of her buttering me up with lunch! She begged, argued, nagged, and kept on doing all that till I conceded to make her damn cake. Fine. I like making girly cakes anyway. It brings out my much-neglected feminine side. It's not like she asked for Wonder Woman or anything complicated like that...

So my friend, the father of the Spidey Massacre Birthday Boy just got off the phone with me. Yes, I did feel horrible about what happened; so fucking horrible that I nearly swore off cake making all together. Then, I had this conversation:

Him: So, what exactly happened to the cake
ME: (goes into long explanation for the millionth time in extreme detail so he can get a clear picture of the nervous breakdown I nearly had on Saturday over the mishap)
Him: Forgive me if I'm overstepping my boundaries, but don't you have a Plan B or something? Like a spare cake just in case?
ME: Yes, I always keep a spare sheet cake on hand for occasions such as these. (Of course that was said inside my head.) Outloud: It's something I can probably make sure to have going forward. (because everyone should have spare sheet cakes laying around....jackass.)
Him: (at this point I tuned him out)

All in all, the guilt gut steadily alleviated the more of a jackass he made of himself. The bottom line is that I agreed to make a smaller Spiderman cake for his son on Sunday. And this time, I'm going to make the cake I wanted to make to begin with, and not that shitty flat cut out cake they wanted. I'll be able to test my skills out, while sticking to something that I know I'm pretty damn good at. End of story.

I know I had a major freak out after that happened on Saturday, and I know it won't be the last time I have a disaster on my hands. It's hard to explain why it got so bad. I started to run out of time. I was having difficulty decorating the cake to make it look like the picture. Then, the cake started to crack and it wasn't getting any better when I tried to fix it. The clock was ticking down. The customer kept calling. I just couldn't make it come together. And at the end of the day I ruined a child's birthday party.

To say that I felt utterly alone and helpless is an understatement. In the past, my anxiety was eased just by having a good partner stand by and help me. Help didn't always come in the form of a good decorator. Helping me is making a fresh batch of icing as I'm running out, or cleaning up the sugar and spilled food coloring, or even just making sure I have my tools close at hand so that I'm not running around in a panic. I don't have any of that now, and it got the best of me in a terrible way.

I'm going to stick to what I know best for the make-up cake. I'm going to have confidence in my skills and not worry about what someone else thinks. When this child see's the cake I'm making him, he will smile and the disappointment from his birthday party will fade just a little.

I often say that nothing in life that's truly worth it will ever come easily. I know I don't have a good business partner or a loving Other to keep my head in check when I feel like I'm about to explode. So, the burden falls on me to keep it together. It's not easy, but since when have I ever done anything the easy way?

I appreciate the kick in the ass I got from Josh & Mike for my foolishness. I'm no Michealangelo, but I don't want to be. I'm Chef Queenie, and the cake will look awesome in my own style. If that's not good enough, Carvel always has a Fudgey the Whale on hand; feel free trying to get a custom cake out of them.

Thanks for riding my stupid emotional roller coaster with me. I'll try to keep my freakouts to a minimum, but I'm getting old, I'm always busy, I never sleep...and eventually all that shit will catch up to me and reduce me to a quivering mess.

I really fucking hate being mortal.


  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Nothing like gwtting you pissed off to snap you bacl to your senses! Speaking of which, why are you making them another free cake? They already got a free cake out of you. He don't need to try and guilt you more just to get you to make another fucking cake. Talk about kicking a dead horse. He should pay for this one.

  2. I'm making it for them because I owe it to their son, whose birthday I ruined by fucking up the first cake, and because I gave them my word that I would make it up to them in any way necessary.

    This time, I'm going to make it the way I wanted to make it to begin with so I'm not worried. I'm excited again.

    It will be everything the first cake was SUPPOSED to be, and I'm going to prove to myself that I am not as talentless as I felt last weekend.

    Hopefully, I don't fuck it up again. =/