Tuesday, October 11, 2011

There Can Be Only ONE

I know I've hinted as possible new opportunities coming up for me, but now they're laying at my feet and I'm at a loss when it comes to what I should do.

I have business in Chicago that could prove to be fruitful. I would have a place to live, people to look out for me, and a chance for a brand new start.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to incorporate these people in the guts of my business. I also worry that my trust and ignorance may set me up for trouble again. I worry I'm going to get taken advantage of and all my hard work will be snatched out from under me.

I also have something a little closer to home in the works. Originally, I was only going to come on as a head pastry chef and consultant to a dessert business that my two cousins came up with for the Washington DC / Virginia / Maryland area. However, their little idea has grown into something more material and concrete. My role went from head pastry chef to partner within a matter of minutes, and it looks like something that may do really well.

The Chicago job will get me out of NY and away from everyone here. It's not that I want to run away from all my family and friends, but part of me is just aching for something new. However, the people that I do know in Chicago are not people that I can really take in large doses. In fact, seeing them more than once a year is really too much for me. I don't know how I would deal with them day to day. I also worry that I will be left holding the bag if the business fails or I'll be left high and dry if it succeeds. I'll always be a little suspicious of someone I don't know all the way. Trust is so hard to come by these days, and even harder to give out.

The DC job will probably get me out of state, but I have the option of staying at home if I wanted to and traveling as needed. Realistically, I should be there on a daily basis if I'm really going to do this right. I guess the only real problem I have is my two cousins. They have both been in trouble for legal reasons, and I know my one cousin has the green to bankroll this plan, but neither one has a formal education past high school or real world experience running a business. I also worry that the little baking front will only be used to cover up a more underground enterprise. I don't want my name associated with a felony!

I've been whining for a long time that I wanted to get out on my own, and now I have several opportunities to do it. I am terrified. I am still swimming in 7 grand of debt, not to mention the 3 g's I ended up stuck with because of the fucking middle child my parent's had.

Things at the day job are busier and my role has been elevated significantly since last year. I'm an important part of the process once again, but despite the steady paycheck and the health benefits, I know this isn't a process I want to stay a part of. I hate coming to work everyday. I perform my tasks through gritted teeth and forced politeness. Whenever I leave at whatever ungodly hour I end up working till, my head is pounding and when I get home, I last thing I want to do is bake or create anything.

What the fuck kind of food artist am I if I don't have the desire to do what I love???

It's this fucking job, but I NEED this fucking job!!! I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a paycheck coming the next week or the two weeks after that. I'm lost.  But, I know my window of opportunity won't stay open for long and I have do make some drastic changes fast.

So, what's holding me back? I'm fucking terrified! I'm scared of not being able to pay my bills. I'm scared of not being stable. I'm just fucking scared, and I hate it. I don't have a partner to back me up if my business flops. It's just me. I'm terrified of ending up like that baker in "Bridesmaids". Her bakery goes under, her boyfriend leaves her, she's forced to room with assholes, and ultimately ends up back at her mom's house after she loses yet another job.

Christ....gotta go. My headache has been upgraded to Alleve level. =(

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