Monday, May 23, 2011

Black & Blue & Red All Over

Another sick day from the day job. Ah, I have a million things I could do today. I know I just had a weekend, but I spent every single waking hour- since I left work on Friday-baking, decorating, networking, and delivering. I haven't had a crazy set of days like this in a long while. My cooking class series is over, and I think it went very well. I'm hoping to get some more work like that from the people who attended the classes. I was very nervous at first. I worried my stomach into knots and ulcers. I was so fucking sick with anxiety over fucking up that I didn't want to write about it or tweet about it in fear of jinxing myself into fucking up. It all worked out, though! Thank goodness!

Therein lies my problem. No one is as critical of me than myself. I don't give myself enough credit. I lack the confidence other skilled people have, and that's what holds me back. I could go on and on about all the times I've sold myself short because of this, but anyone who knows me already knows all this. It's not a new story. It's not just an annoying trait, it's something that people get impatient with after a while. No one likes a wet noodle. If you're constantly trying to convince someone of their own self-worth, after a while, this isn't someone you want to spend much time with anymore.

I know I feel like that. I care about my friends. I want to help them. I want to take their problems and fix them. However, after many thankless efforts, I get impatient, fed-up, and I walk away without another look backwards. Last year, I was in a place where my business was just treading water. I was spending a fortune on therapy. I was working out like a fiend. I was on one crazy diet after another. My money woes were completely out of control. And in the middle of all that, I was struggling with a relationship that brought me just an many tears as it brought me happiness.

I was a hot mess. I knew where I wanted to go and I had no clue why I wasn't getting there even though I felt like I was working so hard. I was spinning my wheels, burning up my engine, and and ending up getting no where.

Eventually, after I dragged my depressed ass out of bed, I started to implement all the changes I always talked about making. I cut out more people who have only helped in dragging me down. I stopped wasting money drinking my sorrows away. I started to stay away from problematic environments that don't foster a positive direction. That's not to say I didn't make some mistakes trusting certain snake-oil salesmen, but no one ever said the road to success isn't peppered with potholes. Right now, I think the few people I have near me are good to me.

No one wants to hear about their negative traits. Hell, as much as I harped on wanting people to be brutally honest with me, I did not take kindly when it actually happened. I got defensive, I got offensive, and I would block and delete anyone who dared tell me I was less than perfect. With a little birdie whispering in my ear in a more gentle tone, I realized what I was doing and was able to mature a little more in order to be more open minded and receptive of constructive criticism.

And I am thankful to all those people who have come back into my life to help me when I needed help. I'm thankful for those who have dosed out the tough love as well as the squishy love in my times of sorrow. I'm grateful to those who have made me laugh, and those who have been there when I needed a cry. These people are few and rare. But, I am well aware that I am lucky to have them.

I thought slowly incorporating Joel back into Queenie Cakes would be several steps forward. I would have someone I trust helping me and watching my back. It also seemed like it would lead to more business coming in. He's sent me several lucrative gigs since I've started talking to him again. It's also made me more confident taking on small catering gigs since I have him as my co-chef. He works hard, he works fast, and we flow great together in the kitchen. Neither one of us is trying to be the star. We do what we have to do without clawing at each other to garner the spotlight. There is no room for TWO giant ego's in the kitchen. And that's what made our partnership fantastic.

What makes our partnership unsuccessful? Our past. It was a nasty, violent, messy breakup, followed by short bursts of trying to try again, ending with me deciding to abandon that particular dream when it was clear I wasn't the same girl he left behind. Time and circumstances will change a person. It changed me. Joel was not as willing to accept it, and he went through a short period of obsessive sinister behavior which eventually lead me to cut him off permanently and take out a restraining order.

To make a long story short, I gave him another shot and pulled back again because he was trying to recreate a past that I have already filed away in old scrapbooks. I gave him another shot last week, and my friends were more than vocal about this being a mistake given his behavior in the past. I did what I wanted anyway, and shook my head in disgust when it was clear that everyone was right and I was wrong...again.

He talked about working a gig out in PA in June. Besides the desserts and cakes, he asked if I wouldn't mind being his sous chef with some of the savory dishes. That meant a bigger cut for me. This was going to be a huge event, and I voiced my concerns about not being able to do it with just the two of us. He insisted it would be fine, and even suggested that I tend bar to be able to charge another $200 for myself. When it came down to details, he wanted to share a room together since we would have to spend a night or two out there. That's where I put my foot down.

Despite my best efforts to keep things platonic and on a business level, it's plain to see that he won't let go of the notion of a reconnection. Any man who can lay down each night with one woman, and pledge his love to another is not someone I will ever be able to trust 100% EVER. Scratch a liar, find a thief. I know Joel better than anyone else in this world, and a little part of me will always love him and look out for him. Keeping him around like a pet to run around and do my bidding because I know he will do it without question is cruel and selfish. Just because others have been that wicked to me doesn't give me the right to do it to him. And I know for sure that we cannot work together the way I hoped. Hey, no one can ever say I don't give people their fair share of chances. He'll always be someone I can call if I need him. He knows I would do the same for him. Unfortunately, our potential working relationship is dead and buried.

I used to get very defensive and angry when someone would point out my flaws in public for all the world to see. Then I realized they are not doing it for the sake of the world to notice, but for me to open my eyes and see for myself. Once I got past my wounded pride and my hurt feelings, it's been easier to hear what my friends were saying and to see the truth for myself.

I say that I want to be self-sufficient and independent, but I reach backwards for help from people who also bring back some of my greatest sorrows. There are unhealthy reasons why I keep seeking solutions that some would say is a double-edged blade. I have the comfort of being able to trust where the help is coming from, but it's like ripping open a wound that has taken so long to heal. And I think that's where my friends get fed up with me. Why keep revisiting painful places?

I don't know what I should say about that comment left on my blog yesterday morning. There was obviously some pricked feelings over something written, and I'm guessing it was enough of an offense to bring someone out in such a way to defend himself. I don't want to speak for anyone or presume to know what someone else is thinking or feeling. I will say that I think that written words can often be misinterpreted when you cannot hear the tone behind them or you are not aware of the nature of the person writing, and offense can be taken where none is meant.

How many of us have been angered by a text that was sent in jest or read sarcasm in a sincere apology? How many times have quarrels been sparked by some comment posted on an unnamed social network that was meant to tease but only served to wound someone's feelings?

I've done my share of deleting, blocking, answering, excusing, fighting, snapping back, and apologizing. I thought I purged my blog of problematic people who have left anonymous venom on my posts or immature jabs at other people who come through to read and leave their opinion. I admit that I have had to be more open-minded with people who have expressed views that are different from my own. Instead of deleting, I've learned to read what is being said without taking it personally. There's plenty of room for me to respond with my own argument. The challenge is doing it without sounding like an immature bitch.

As far as yesterday goes, I think malice was read in something that was not meant to be malicious, and the response was a lot more extreme than was necessary. But, we cannot measure what someone else is feeling without being in that person's shoes.

I'm going to leave that issue with this. The couple of people who do leave me comments every now and again know me outside this space. If you feel slighted, if you feel as though you're personally being attacked, if you feel angered by something I wrote or something someone else wrote- Tell ME. Email me, text me, call me, or whatever- but talk to ME. Slap fighting over blog comments is just as futile as fighting over Twitter. If you want to address an issue than be an adult and talk to me about it.

No one is here to hurt anyone's feelings or throw anyone up on the dartboard to be shot at. I had a disgustingly crazy work-weekend, and after a huge disappointment yesterday, that comment was not the nicest thing to read at the end of a Blue day.

Three whole days on my feet and rolling out fondant in less than ideal conditions have left me quite broken. This cold, damp weather does not help my injured back, either. Every muscle in my 32 1/2 year old body is moaning and groaning something fierce. I had to take a day off my day job today. With my contract being in jeopardy and the possibility of unemployment looming menacingly overhead, this wasn't a good day to take off, but fuck it. I'm no superhero. And, today, I'm feeling every bit as mortal as anyone can.

You know what would have been great today? A nice leisurely lunch with a friend. That would have been awesome. Alas, I find myself short of luncheon kinda friends, and I think I'll probably just have to get used to it. My girlfriends are moving out of the city one after the other. I think it's just that little push I need to keep things moving. I miss them. I wish them the best of luck, and I hope they find what they're seeking. At the end of the day, isn't that all what we want for one another?

So, that's the Black and Blue and Red weekend that I've had. I do appreciate those who want the best for me. Real friends are hard to come by. A high number of contacts on your social network does not always equate a high number of friends. I've witnessed someone boast a high number of "friends" but who ultimately came through for them during their low moments? ONE person. I have 436 people on my business line contact list right now. I doubt I'd call any one of them right now for some cheering up. I'm not really one who feels comfortable reaching out when I need someone. I guess that part of me is still broken. When you've had the hand you're reaching for come out and smack you or stab you in the back, it makes you guarded. Some people understand, but most don't. But, that's just another wrinkle in my life. Whatever.

Let's just establish my one and only rule on this blog, and I implore you all to abide by it. Thank you!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. What part of "drop it" was ambiguous?

    Josh, I adore you, but dammit when I say "don't go back and forth" and you go ahead and start the "back and forth", I can't help but start to get irked.

    I don't want any more of this. Just follow the rules- DON'T BE A DICK. I'm not calling you a dick, but doing this on my blog isn't helping, and your comment is LOADED with tons of personal things I don't want up here anymore.

    It was a very nice sentiment you had in mind, but I don't think this is going to get any better. You said your piece and he expressed his, and I just want to make sure everyone is aware of their words.

    I'm deleting your comment. Don't take offense. It's just too personal, and I don't want to dwell on these things. It just makes me sad, and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

  3. I hate it when you leave out names cuz I never know who the fuck your talking you still have that comment? may I read it? are you sure that maybe it wasn't just you overreacting cuz you haven't slept & you were wrecked? maybe it was the fucking troll again just coming thru to bug you...when your brain is tired you take small things to heart...if you were rested & in good spirits you probably would've just deleted & kept it moving...your doing so well right now. why do let someone come thru & throw a wrench in your machine? your really upset about come? is there something else going on that your not saying?

    just think about it and give me a call when you feel like talking...I know you ignored my calls earlier...I CAN TELL WHEN YOU DO THAT!!! read the phone's manual!

    smile, kid. things are never as bad as they seem

  4. Nothing's going on. I just had a very taxing weekend. You're probably right. Maybe I was just being too sensitive. I don't know.