Monday, August 6, 2012

In the Night

Sometimes the worse thing about insomnia is not just the inability to fall into a peaceful sleep at the right time. The worse thing sometimes is the chaos that ensues when the monkey wrench thrown into your schedule takes down your plans like dominoes during an earthquake.

Not only is my brain rotting from all the extra crap television I end up watching from my fetal position in my bed, obviously awake when everyone else in my time zone is snoozing. But, I don't have enough strength to get up and actually do something; like my week's baking that I can theoretically do ahead of time or the pile of laundry patiently awaiting my attention in the corner. The lack of sleep makes me lethargic all day long. My body and mind is fucking exhausted, but my consciousness never got that message so it's up all night long and doesn't shut down till about 4:30am, when my REM sleep should be wrapping up so I can get up and shower and be ready for work at around 5:30 (the time I should be leaving my house). But no. I can't drag my ass out of bed till about 8am, half an hour away from the time I should be clocking in at my desk.

I should not be surprised that the Office Cunt is kicking all kinds of ass at work. She makes it in on time and has the wherewithal to stay sharp and aggressive in that shit environment. Do I want to do what she's doing? Really, I don't. But, it chaps my ass when ALL the doors are thrown wide open for her just because she has the right last name, the blonde hair, and has perfected the fine art of brown-nosing in White America. Don't be fooled by the PSA's. Getting skeedaddled to the front of the line is still in full effect in the federal government if your skin as as white as snow.

Shit like this shouldn't bother me because I don't plan on checking out of the working class as an office drone. In other words, I won't be here much longer so why should I care? But, I do. The unfairness of it all cuts into my gut like a hot knife through butter. The injustice bugs me more than I'm comfortable with, and it eats at me even more because I look for a solution and I know there isn't one. There's not much I can do about it. And I know long after I'm gone, if I ever have a kid; if it isn't a male, light-skinned, good-looking "popular" kid from the start- his chances at getting a fair shake in this world will still be stacked against him. That shit sucks. If my kid isn't as charming as a politician, as gorgeous as a Keanu-looking Asian/Caucasian half n half, then it really won't matter how smart he is- he will be relegated to the back of the IT department.

A half-witted, brown-nosing, back-stabbing little cunt will make twice what I make and get ten times as many pats on the back from the people I've worked with the last eight years because she looks the way she does, and I'm going to get orders for cupcakes and a bunch of "Why are you wasting your time here?" because of the way I look.

This is the shit that flies through my mind when I can't sleep. All the injustice and the tipped scales come swimming back at me like a tsunami all because I can't sleep. My mind just won't shut itself off.

My phone used to be my worse enemy during my insomniac years. Long after Joel and I went our separate ways, Verizon kept us chained together. I couldn't sleep and his voice was comforting....even from hundreds of miles away. I learned from that mistake, though, didn't I? No random "I miss you" texts or "What are you up to?" phone calls. Let's just say my cell phone bill will never be in danger of running over on minutes anymore. Thank goodness those days are long gone. There's nothing worse than Ex Regret.

Do you know what Ex Regret is? It's the stupid text message or phone call you succumb to after months or years of non-contact. It's the "I miss you, too" reply or the teary voice you croak into your phone at 2am, as you admit that you really weren't as over as him you made it out to be, only to realize he's perfectly happy and you only received the text for one of 3 reasons: curiosity to see where your head or heart is at, revenge against his current girl, or the satisfaction of knowing you're still pining after him while he's long gotten on over you.

Yeah, it's happened to me on more than one 3am silence. And I walked right into it- hook, line, and sinker. And the self-loathe that I endured after was something fierce- even worse than wanting to bang your head up against a brick wall, muttering Stupid! Stupid Stupid! all the while.

I try not to lay down with my cell phone beside me anymore.

Who am I kidding? They're within arm's reach right now; both of them.

I was wrong. The worse thing about insomnia is that awful feeling that you're the only one in the entire world who is awake and can't sleep. The only one with a billion thoughts happening all at once. The only one who is thinking of someone from the past. The only one.....The worst part is being alone, trapped in sleeplessness....until the sun rises, that is.


  1. I can totally relate. Try being Native, lol! Everyone thinks I'm either Mexican or Puerto Rican, and expect me to speak fluent Español. It used to offend me, but I giggle about it now. Life isn't fair but I learned that as a kid. I've decided to say the hell with it and live my life for me. I miss you. We need a night to hang soon. Sounds like we're both going through some things.

    1. I don't know what Native's go through, but I'll tell you what it's like as an Asian. I can fall into one of two categories:

      Socially retarded super nerd with limited people skills but killer computer or math abilities


      Tiger Asian- the overthetop ambitious shark that mows down everything and everyone around them- despite intellectual capabilities.

      I'm not sure where I fit. I'm smart and great at what I do, but not super brainy or a genius at any one thing. I get along fine with people, but I have my days where I don't want anyone to talk to me about anything. And I've always been laid back about shit at work. I never felt the need to compete because, like I said, I was always great at what I did and I never had anyone try to sneak up behind me and successfully fuck me from behind.

      This Cunt makes my blood boil because she is everything wrong with the world. She's the bitch who would remind the teacher she forget to assign homework on a Friday afternoon. She's the one ratting out who came in late, who played hookie, and who got drunk at happy hour. There's little I like about her and nothing I respect her for.

      I try and see the good in everyone- even my enemies, but it's REALLY hard to when you encounter people like this. Unfortunately, this branch of the government I work in is so corrupt right now, her talents are festering and thriving.

      I just can't wait till I'm out of her. It really can't happen soon enough.

    2. I was a nerdy cheerleader who liked dolls and dresses, but I also liked playing outside in the woods and lacrosse. I don't fit any real Native stereotype either. Im supposed to be athletic, rough around the edges, quiet around everyone but my people, and basically tough all around. I am sooo not anything like that! Try to remember that people like your co-worker will get their come-uppance. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday. Just keep that in mind when you have to deal with her. Also, try to get inside her head a little. Maybe she's the way she is because she severely lacks in other ways.

  2. Excuse me, did we not just spend 4 hours on the phone the other night discussing dreams and exes and animal sex? Not necessarily in that order. You make it sound like you don't have anyone to talk to and you're making ME feel like a pint of frostbitten Breyers that you're mad at cus the store won't carry ben and jerry's anymore.

    1. First of all, I'm not at liberty to call you every night just to shoot the shit till one of us falls asleep. Secondly, I get free nights and weekends, so since that's the only time I ever use my phone for actually TALKING to someone, my minutes never run over. Thirdly, I'm lactose intolerant, so as awesome as Breyers is, two scoops can very well kill me. (It's cream and eggs, bitch!) You're not my fall back friend, you're the dollop of butterscotch that I reserve for special occasions! =)

  3. this a reverse racism thing.....down with whitie? This doesn't sound like you, Kat. Makes me sad.

    1. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I was writing in a weird, exhausted, angry, frustrated state of mind, and I know I came off very "The white man's keeping us down".

      I don't want to paint any group with the same brush. Speaking about MY PARTICULAR SET OF HIGHER UP's at the day job, they are VERY discriminatory, VERY scornful of people not like them, and they will not hire or promote someone who doesn't have the "look". Just as an example, we had a really smart "geeky" looking intern last summer who was AWESOME, but they made fun of him behind his back and said they would be a laughing stock if they sent this guy out to represent them, so they passed on keeping him full time. (And his skin was white as snow.) He just didn't have the look they wanted.

      I shouldn't make general statements like the one I did on this post. I don't mean to make any of my fair-skinned friends feel like I'm hating on all fair-skinned peeps. I know you're all not like that, which makes it even worse when I encounter people who are.

      And the same works both ways. It wouldn't be cool for me to hear non-fair-skinned people hating on fair-skinned people just for shits and giggles.

      The point of my insomniatic rant was just to say that this Office Cunt was getting skooted ahead of people who have been here for years for all the wrong reasons. If she was purple with white polka dots, I'd still be pissed off that she's stepping on all sorts of toes to gun her way to the top.

      I could go on and on about her, but honestly, it won't make a difference. I'll just hope that her Karma catches up to her...whatever it may be.

    2. I know you don't mean it that way. I just meant that you're not really a diehard cynic so it's really saddening to read stuff like this when it comes out of you.

      Look, far be it from me to judge my own, but we all know how the community I'm from views outsiders. If you're not like them, you're not getting hired. Period. To hell with legality! lol They don't even want outsiders riding on public buses! You remember that whole scandal right?

      I know racism is still alive and well, and people are more open about it, hiding behind Conservatism. It does suck that people still feel this way, but it exists in all groups of people. I'm sorry you're dealing with it at work. People like your office "C" generally burn down too many bridges to last very long. Wish her well and just work on your own goals. Like you said, you don't want to stay there anyway.