Friday, August 31, 2012

The Bridge

Well, people. I think some of my closer friends know that I have this horrible habit of trying to stick my head in the sand and wish away my troubles. For the past couple of years, I've been suffering an assault on my female reproductive mechanisms. I stopped taking my oral contraception in hopes of alleviating some of the issues, but it has only grown worse.

Maybe you'll recall when I took my blogs down for a month or two. And I stated personal issues or just being too busy to really keep up with them. That, along with the cyber stalkers, and it was just too much for me to look after in my own time of need.

Not getting into the nitty-gritty (because most of you readers are dudes and any part of the female anatomy that doesn't directly involve copulation tends to gross you out), and that's fine. I've had some cysts in places they didn't belong. And for a few years they've stayed pretty docile and didn't bother anyone. The last real painful episode I had were back in my culinary school days, and after that initial bout of pain, they haven't really bothered me since.

My doctor hinted that those cyst could have been the reason I wasn't getting pregnant right away with that ex. My inner voice told me I wasn't getting pregnant because I didn't want to get pregnant and as a Republican would say, "My body was triggering that automatic response to ward off unwanted pregnancy." Hahahaha!! What a crock of shit!! Seriously, though, I didn't take my fertility issues all that serious because I knew I wasn't ready for a baby and if it wasn't happening with him at the time, then it was fate telling me that it shouldn't be happening. And I was cool with that.

Follow that up with a relationship where kids were a hundred percent out of the question, and it was an issue I shoved to the back of the closet....behind the hoard.

It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I started to experience some pain. I ended up stopping my birth control, hoping I wasn't one of those women who ended up with the horrible side effects or "death" as the TV law ad was warning about.

Stopping the birth control was easy. The side effects of stopping was just unbearable. My weight started to fluctuate and my energy levels have really dropped off. I knew this was all tied in together, but still stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that my body was waging a war on me, I told myself it was many other things causing havoc.

Eventually, I had to have some minor surgery to remove a growth in my ovary. Because I was just over 30 and I was still in generally good shape, the doctors slapped a bandaid on me, told me to take it easy for a couple of weeks, and sent me on my merry way. I didn't look back....

...Until it got worse. Well, that bridge I wasn't worrying about crossing till I got to it suddenly appeared right in front of me and there was no way around it. The weight gain hasn't stopped. My skin had been in ruins. Despite the dermatology appointments and meds, it wasn't getting better and I knew it was hormonal. I had to go back to the doctor. A couple of months ago, they removed another growth. They've been watching me closely ever since.

My energy still isn't what it used to be. My skin is getting a lot better. (Thank you photofacial!) But, I can feel that something is wrong. After another appointment yesterday, my doctor finally approached me with the option of getting a full hysterectomy. It was suggested as an option to me in the past by one of my surgeons but due to my age and the fact that I haven't had kids yet, it was never a serious route. I still have time, don't I?

But, since my maternal grandmother died of the lady cancer, and both my mom and my aunt have both had their women machinery scraped out, they slapped me with a "high risk" label and ask that I seriously consider it to save my health and possibly my life in the future.

I'm gonna get a little whiny here.

For fucks sake, where's the fairness in that? I'm not saying I'm one of these women who are dying to pop out a baby right now, but it feels like because I had the smarts to wait it out to make sure I could bring up another human being in the most ideal conditions I could manage; it feels like I'm getting punished for it. I see young girls and women- ill-equipped, dumb as a stump, and morally handicapped making babies like some people make coffee each morning. Effortless. Painless. And their bodies are fine and they are healthy, and can probably pop out another kid in their 40' know; right around the time their first set of kids are having new kids of their own.

But, here I am, waiting, protecting myself from an unwelcome surprise- and what happens? My machinery gets rusty or stalls out or squirrels have nested up in there. I don't know.

I know medically, it would be smart to scrape me out hollow. But, dammit, it just isn't fair, is it?

I feel like letting them do this to me is like throwing in the towel. It's like telling them I know I'm not going to be financially ready soon and I won't be able to meet a suitable DNA swapper right away. And rather than wait it out to see what life throws at me, it's best to clean out the house and board up the doors. Does that make sense? Am I making the right decision if I let the doctors carve me up to prevent something bad that MIGHT happen???

My logical brain tells me to go ahead and do this. My health has been speeding downhill the last couple of years and it's not something I can deny any more.

The other part of me says to wait. Nothing has been actual cancer. The body is full of benign little nothings that stay benign little nothings. Some people can smoke 4 packs of cigs a day and live to a hundred. Some people can stay away from smokes and alcohol their entire lives and die at 35. There's really no equation that can determine your mortality because I can step off the curb tonight and get hit by a bus. And that's the end of that.

I'm freaking out. I know I shouldn't be freaking out, but I am. A simple wedding cupcake job last night took me twice as long because of the pain. And I refuse to pop pills to mask it. It doesn't end the pain; it just tricks my brain into thinking it isn't there anymore, and I'm not keen on being deceived by anyone, least of all an overpriced pill.

What do I do? Yank it all out "just in case". Or take my chances with fate? Seriously, I'm freaking the fuck out!


  1. Stop freaking the fuck out!!!!!!!!

    Maybe since she's been through this, you should consider taking your mother with you to your next appointment. She knows what questions to ask and maybe she can put it into perspective for you. I know how you feel about your mother, but that's the most logical choice. If you really don't want to take her, I'll drive down there and go with you. If you only have a year left on your contract, you only have a year of guaranteed health insurance left so it's best to take care of anything long-term NOW. Insurance companies are real fucking scum suckers. If they have any hint of a pre-existing condition, they either won't cover you or deny future claims. My grandfather went through all that before he died.

    Most importantly, don't freak out. You'll be just fine! Just lay off the soda and taco bell and you should get your weight under control. ;-)...that was a joke btw.

    1. Ha. Ha. Ha. Can you hear the slow clap?

      I know. I want to make a smart decision, not an emotional one. I'll let you know if I need you to come down. Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate that. I really mean it.

  2. Oh Kat, I'm sorry you're in such pain. I have a cyst and a fibroid myself, but I'm on something called Seasonale and it's helped a lot.

    I know what you're feeling. It pisses me off too. Like you, I have waited until a stronger point in my life to raise kids, and I just can't afford it. Yet other people manage to do it. I must be doing something wrong.

    Anyway, if I weren't on my birth control, I'd be in lots of pain myself. Is it possible to get a second opinion?

    1. For me, the drugs were a temporary relief. It doesn't really fix the issues. Since my family has such a strong history with problems in that area, they want to prevent it before it gets to a critical point.

      Normally, I wouldn't have an issue but this is a permanent change that will completely squash any baby-making dreams I might have. And I'm not even saying I'm ready for babies, but I don't want the option permanently taken away from me right now.

  3. I'm just curious about something. If you take offense feel free to delete this comment and I won't be upset, but you're one of the few girls I know who's pretty open about the subject matter so I'm gonna take a risk and ask......

    Do you feel like the terminated pregnancies you had may have contributed to this- not just physically but spiritually or "karmically" as you often refer to when it comes to "religion"? I don't mean that like some asshole wagging his big non-female finger at you for a decision that I'm sure wasn't easy for you to make. I'm just wondering if you're anguished over the past you had with the people you were with and so forth?

    You're the 2nd woman I know who is having this issue, but has been pregnant in the past. Without totally outing her story (it's not mine to tell) but she was so distraught over the whole thing and the guilt eating her stemmed from her feeling she did something to make all this happen to make a long story short, she had a nervous break down.

    I don't want you to have a nervous breakdown and I'm not judging you. I'm just wondering where your head is in terms of this situation.

    1. Holy smokes man, you think that's something you could've asked her through another means of communication like email, text or im?

    2. It's fine. He has a valid question, and I don't mind discussing it. I don't hide the fact that I've aborted 2 pregnancies, and I don't regret doing it. I was 18 and 19 at the time I did them, and I was with someone whom I don't ever want to be connected with through any means- marriage, financially, or by children.

      I thought about what I did when I was "trying" to half-heartedly get pregnant when I was with Joey, and when I had the miscarriages, but honestly, I don't know what kind of life I could've given those babies and I don't know what kind of life they would've had having that ex as a father. I don't doubt my ability to do the best I can, but the best isn't often the ideal when you're put in pressing circumstances.

      If that sounds cold and too pragmatic, I can't really apologize for that. It's how I feel. If my problems there are a result of what I did 15 years ago, then I guess that's my Karmic justice. It is what it is. I can't undo it, and I'm not going to cry over a decision I made when I was younger and not in the best situation.

      I know, religiously, Josh, you feel strongly another way and I respect you for that. But, I don't feel ashamed for what I had to do. I wish I was more careful so it didn't have to get to that point, but again, that's crying over something that can't be undone.

      I'm not going to have a nervous breakdown over it.

    3. We definitely have opposing views on that topic, but I don't like you any less. I'm aware every woman has her own reason for the decisions she makes and I'm not egocentric to believe my beliefs trump yours.

      Let me just say, that in the future, if you were ever faced with this kind of decision again, as a FRIEND I'm here to help you and your baby in any way you need help so maybe you never have to go through something like that again. Maybe that's conceited of me to say, but if the issue is just having moral support and maybe a little monetary help- my door will always be open.

      Like I told you before, what you did for me and my family when my brother passed sealed your place in my family. You'll always have a place with us should you ever need anyone.

      And I know you hate it when I say this, but you are in my prayers and I hope this bout of poor health passes over you soon. Just try and stay positive.

    4. Josh, this was from you, right? I just replied to a comment from my friend Vanessa and my comment came up as you. So, I'm going under the assumption you wrote this because it's really personal.