Tuesday, February 7, 2012

All Aboard

Hey, all! Loooooooong time no see.

Well, my most loving Uncle Rey has been honored and is hopefully at peace now. I could write pages and pages about how that man shaped my life, but it's almost sacrilegious for something so dear to my heart to be posted in a space where videos of cats playing keyboards and gigs of red headed porn exist. My Uncle is greater than the internet and until I know for sure my words can convey exactly how cherished he is to me, I think I'll keep his memorial in my heart.

Thank you for the nice comments and phone calls and voice mails and texts. I know you're out there, my real friends. I didn't think his death would effect me so hard, until I saw him there- so NOT the man I remember seeing just a few months ago. I think I've been spoiled in having been to many funerals that were handled by the best of the best in terms of mortician-work. These people did not do a good job on my Uncle and it made me angry to see his shell in that condition. I don't remember crying to hard at ANY funeral before. I've been to many- family and friends.

When it comes to death, I've always thought myself to be a strong person. I was taught at a young age that death is part of life and everyone will come and go at some point. You accept it and trust that the next level they reach is better than the one they left behind. This time, that thought couldn't comfort me. As I was surrounded by my 11 remaining aunts and uncles, and my 36 cousins and their spouses and kids- I felt unbearably alone.

I don't just mean that in the sense where I didn't have some lover put his arm around me and pat my back in a comforting way. Granted, I was a little jealous of my cousins who have that, but I've gotten this far without a reliable partner in life, this time is no different than any other stumble, right? I know there are a handful of you who called me, and I'm sorry I didn't return your calls till today. It's been non-stop since I heard about what happened. As much as I wanted a friend to reach out for; how do I put this? I don't know if I would have handled it well. I can't really phrase it.

There was a reconnecting with family I haven't seen in years. As expected at any family function, everyone pulled out their life resume to compare notes. Who had babies? How successful are those babies in school? Who's graduating, and with what honors, and what line of work are they going into? I have a cousin who is an inspiring rapper (Yes, I rolled my eyes, too) and his YouTube video had some insane amount of hits. That got a lot of oohs and ahhs. I have a cousin who is going for her masters in speech therapy. She got more than few nods of approval. My cakes got the biggest round of ass-kissing, but maybe it's because it's the most visual.

What surprised the hell out of me was how surprised some of them were at how good I am at what I do. Seriously?  Is it that hard to believe that I have a scant ounce of creativity and talent within me? It's like swimming with sharks in my family. Everyone is vicious and aggressive. Everyone is good at what they do. And they go after the weak. I don't think I'm like that.

I felt badly for the few people in my family who are not swimming at the top of the tank right now. I felt bad for the one's who are struggling. Those poor bastards were circled as they wallowed in a cloud of blood. And that's where I came in.

I've talked in the past about different business opportunities that have come my way. When my cousins asked for my help opening a food business in their state, I thought it was a great idea, but I didn't think it would be something that could really happen. After realizing that the startup money is already there and everyone is more than willing to do their part to see us succeed, the "maybe someday" pipe dream turned into something that can realistically happen within a few months.

I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews. I enjoyed having them curl up with me on the couch while we watched the Little Mermaid, singing along with every single word of every song on that movie. I liked going to the craft store with them to buy supplies so I could do a Decorate Your Own Cupcake afternoon with them. I liked that they all looked for me in the sea of people we were surrounded by. I liked the feeling of them not wanting to go to bed unless it was me tucking them in and reading them their bedtime story; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I had an entourage of my 8 nephews and nieces pretty much shadowing my every move because they thought I was awesome. I'm NEVER the awesome aunt. EVER. They always flock towards my brother who will spin them around and around for hours on end. They go to my other cousins who are younger than me and will feed them candy and cans of soda to make them go away. I can't say it made me want to pop out my own kid right now, but it made me want to be around them more so I could watch them grow and be a more present part of their lives. It made me miss the time I was the Stepmom for a while with Joey's daughter. I was good at it. Was it because it was only a temporary position, and not a full time gig?

Because the cousins with the kids had to turn in early to be able to get up at the ass crack of dawn with their kids, I was left having a drink and a smoke with my uncles during the wee hours of the night. When they asked what happened to the different men in my life, I shrugged, smiled, and sort of waved it off with a flick of my hand. They're off being happy with other people. Who knows?

My Uncle Rog said, "Good! You can't concentrate on running a successful business if you've got a man and kids to run home to. You need you be able to get up and go anytime you want. You have that freedom now. You don't know how lucky you are. No man to hold you back. No kids to hold you down. You have the whole world in front of you for the taking. Don't fuck that up by having a family!"

My uncle actually has 2 families we know about and maybe a few we don't. He got his mistress pregnant while my aunt was pregnant with his 2nd kid. He left her to be with the mistress and subsequently had yet another kid with her. He is still married to his first wife. He vacations in the Philippines without the mistress and makes it a point to bring various hookers to family functions there.

Him telling me to steer clear of marriage and kids is like an alchy telling me to skip the bar. He can't keep on the wagon so NO ONE should ever step off the wagon. Or something like that. Who knows? He had a point, though. With a few alcoholic beverages lowering their inhibitions, more than a handful of the men in my family agreed with him. Stay on birth control and don't accept any more diamonds. Diamonds are still fallible- like marriages. Even something as strong as a diamond can still break if hit at the right spot. Self-sufficiency is solid.

To make a very long story short, I feel a little disappointed that my uncle didn't get to step foot in my established business. I feel bad his son and I haven't gotten further along in our plans. I have a lot of money being thrown at me from sources eager to see me succeed. I trust my partners. I do. I haven't been able to do that in the past, and here I am 10000% sure of the people around me.

This could be it.

I'd have to say goodbye to my NY affairs. They were fun while they lasted. Fun. Non-committal. Honest. And satisfying. Do they warm the heart on a cold winter night? No. They exist only to warm my bed. That's all well and good for me, but a couple of the participants are expecting more eventually, and I don't want more. Not with them. Not now. Probably not ever. It's kind of a shitty move, but a new career in a new city is the easiest way to dump a plate full of filler.

At the end of last year, someone told me I would be more comfortable in my own skin this new year. I would be more aware of who I am and what I really want. I'd be more accepting of being beyond the norms society dictates and I'll care less who approves or disapproves. I've got to say that it's turning out quite accurate thus far.

Thinking more like some of the douche bag dudes I've dated has proved to be more useful. I'm not an asshole like the dudes of my past because I'm not promising white dresses or exclusivity with any one person. I'm pretty direct about what I want or don't want. I don't promise to call the day after or on any regular basis. I don't lie and say I miss them. I don't pretend there is going to be anything more than whatever the fuck we're doing at the one moment. And if we happen to share another moment another night- all the better. But there are no false expectations. Finally being on this side of the mirror is weird. Now, I'm getting the ones who are looking to drop anchor and seed up some good looking offspring. Holy shit! Talk about bizarro world. If someone told me 2 years ago that I would be dropping lines like, "Well, I'm really trying to concentrate on my little business right now...I don't think I have the time to focus on starting a family just yet...." I probably would have told them they don't know me very well.

I feel like the biological clock that started ticking a couple years ago broke. I don't hear the countdown anymore. Maybe someone dropped that fucker and broke it. =( Was it me? The way I see it, this new opportunity works out on many different levels. I get to move away from here. I will be surrounded by new people who can bring new things to my table. I will be closer to my nieces and nephews and get my "mommy" fix watching them grow. And who knows? If the stars line up and some genie in a bottle sends me "the one" then I'll be in a better position to do it all- career, family, and happiness.

As of today, career comes first. Since I've made that decision several months ago, things have been thriving. I think once I let go of the fluff dream of settling down with someone who really wasn't who I thought he was anyway, the haze cleared. And it was a haze I created myself to blur a reality that I wasn't ready to deal with.

Reality is- I want to be successful at what I'm good at. I want to love what I do. I like having great sex; I don't really want a relationship in order to have great sex. Great sex makes me happy. Being happy makes it easier to do great work. Great work leads to better opportunities and greater success. All in all; if I operate under those guidelines then it should all work out. Work harder. I can't work harder unless I'm less stressed. And we all know the best way to de-stress. ;-) As long as no one gets hurt, right?

So here we go.

Uncle Rey, send me down some good juju! I'm taking your advice and making my own happiness. Let's see how that works out!


  1. You're moving further away? :( When's this gonna happen? You didn't mention any of this when we spoke. Did any of your exes send your family anything?

    Aside from that- I want a pat on the back for nailing it. I told you to go out and treat these guys the way your exes treated your body- like an instrument they could play whenever the mood strikes them. You seem happier in this scenario. Men are human. You take sex off the table- they want more sex. You take marriage and monogamy off the table- they want a commitment. Fickle-hearted bastards. Just as long as you're honest from the get I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

    You used to say that love always found you when you weren't looking for it. Now that your career and business plans are your focus, who knows what cupid will dump at your door. Just make sure it's what you really want before you let them in.

    Not that it's any of my business, but how many lovers are you juggling right now?

    1. Joey sent my aunt an Edible Arrangement and they loved it. It came in really useful one night after the viewing. Everyone tore into it. And we got your flowers. Thank you, Mike. You didn't have to do that.

      The time frame depends on the security of our business structure. I'm not going to tell my job to eat shit till I have a guaranteed source of income. You can come out to my new place just as easily as you come down to NY now. And I'll have more room to put you up proper.

      Yes, you were right about the whole no-commitment thing. It's made a lot of stuff a lot easier to deal with. And the one's who talk marriage and babies get cut off pretty quick. It's not the direction I want to walk in just yet.

      I don't know what fate has in store for me, but I want to be ready for anything. I sort of scrapped my whole life-plan and I'm starting fresh. It's a really nice feeling.

      Yes, you're right. It's none of your business, and it's not a number I would throw out for the whole world to see, either. ;-) I'll tell you in private if you can promise me you'll keep your mouth shut. lol

    2. I can't promise anything. I just want you to be happy. Happy Whoring you sexy little trollop. I'd tell you to be safe and all that jazz, but I know you have it covered.

      I still can't get into your other blog. In the name of all that's holy please unblock me or make it public again.

    3. For the 100 millionth time, I didn't block you!!

  2. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. My condolences. But yay for new opportunities!

    1. Thanks, man. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm ready for the next step.

      How are you feeling? Superbowl wasn't the same without you. =( That means I'm just going to have to have another party when you're feeling better!!

    2. I'm sorry I missed it! I'm like at 87% now, so mostly better.

    3. You didn't miss anything. My other friend flaked out, and I spent a lot of the night mentally cursing him out. It was quiet, and my parents ended up chilling out with us during the first half of the game. Lots of food. Lots of chocolate. Without Josh, it was pretty damn boring!!!!

  3. I know people in that area that can help you out if you need it. Let me know if I can help. Knowing the kind of person you are, I dont doubt that you'll find success and happiness in your next adventure. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you till you're ready to make the jump.